It has been heavy, wet and oh so rainy here in the mountains. I believe over 90 inches of rain has fallen and we are so grateful, a huge change from the drought. The crystal clear streams are flowing, the ground is so moist your boots sink a little and the fresh smell of forest fills your nose with each step. The trees are literally sparkling with dew and a new dampness every day. Wind has cleared out years of dead branches and every living plant form is bursting with life. Cold has landed too, weird but not frigid, and little birds, bunnies, foxes and bobcats are on the prowl for spring food. The hens are laying, grasses are vibrantly green and lush, and the sun is filtering through to the little flowers blooming.
That is the up side. I am grateful. All these rainy “inside” days, opened the floodgates in my heart and head.
Some old abandonment stuff washed out like a stream that had been dormant. It came back to life. I could not hold it back. The torrential storms outside flooded this sacred fertile land and inside they broke a dam I did not even know was there. I dove in and decided to ride this storm and not let it wash me away like it had in the past. Yes, decades of work on releasing the story, and yet, I am baffled how it can ebb and flow. Are we ever “done” with these dialogues? I know rationally that my father leaving our family when I was 9 was not about me. Rationally. And that little girl can still feel that something inside, when rejection comes. The somatic response. I still don’t like motorcycles, as he took off on his for another woman, left my mom a note and in her pain and horror she read it to us. I barely remember it, but something along the lines of you and these three kids are too much. He married the other woman exactly on the day the divorce from my mom was finalized, saw that in the local paper. He pretty much never showed up in our childhood unless nearly threatened, and always had his new wife with him. My experiences with him were so rare after he left and until I moved in with them half way through college, for summers, I truly did not know him. I had never heard the term narcissist. I believed it was me, he said so, I was too much. I asked too much, I wanted to know too much, I hurt too much, it hurt him to see me hurt. Never enough to talk about it though, his sad face stopped me in my tracks from letting him know my hurt.
What I did over the next 20 years, was to pretend that all was okay, I could “forgive” them both, and maybe that would earn me his or their love. Around 41 I left my husband, spoke to my own father and let him know I could completely understand how things can change in a marriage. I offered, nearly begged him to tell me the “truth” that he had met her while with my mom. That seemed to be the one factor that would free me totally from this pain of him leaving, like it would help it all make sense. To his dying breath he denied it, said the Lord had forgiven him and he did not need to ask for mine or even admit to his abandoning a whole family and not helping us afterwards. I was devastated, stunned and angry. All those years, all my “good” behavior and it never mattered. My seeking to be the perfect daughter and wife was a total denial of who I was, and it had prevented me from being real.
The next twenty three years yielded focused, intense and very devoted work on my spiritual path. I found me. I found my light and true Self. She was there all along. So why is this coming up again? Clearly I had more to learn, now the alchemy of time, experience and knowledge was to deliver wisdom.
Now I entered the wound through a new door of Trauma informed yoga, many years of study, practice and writing a program to teach yoga teachers how to teach from that platform and with students in learning to recognize the triggers, integrate the events and feelings and grow from the realization of the felt sense. We learned to find in our body where it literally hurt or still hurts and most of all, how to hold that tenderly and let it work for us. For us. Not against us. Not hold us back.
Where does this part of my life (Heroine’s) journey speak to me now? Was I possibly still fighting against this, resisting any part of it, was I for or against this part of my “story”? Why does it still carry water?
What emerged now is knowing that all the pain and intensity that early abandonment served for me was clearly the catalyst for profound personal growth and the deepest empathy, compassion and ability to see others for their true Self, no matter what. I think it is possibly one of my super powers:) From younger years of judging others, like, why can’t they just get it together! to now, really feeling, understanding that some of my earlier judgements, fears and ability to push on through, were me defending and protecting that little girl and not allowing her to be. Resiliency is a super power. Not pushing against, not pushing through, but riding the river of life, using the flow for your growth and grace.
Growth and grace give me:
Conscious practice, most of all when I don’t want to,
Dedication to truth and integrity, when avoidance or apathy call out,
Authentic boundary setting, especially when it sends me scurrying for reminders that I am loved and lovable,
Calm compassion in the face of enormous and terrifying perceived threats to my sense of Self.
Accept that I am completely human, fallible, with fault of course and that is okay
All of this is growth, we never stop, we never need to roll over and play dead, unless we decide to. In my darkest and most sad moments, I remember, feel and connect to that Light that warmth, that feeling that is deep inside my heart/chest that I am more than all that is happening, and it is here to awaken me. Really, to wake me the fuck up. Excuse my language, it conveys the emphasis I need.
Last year, I wanted to have a focus, to renew my passion in my art and craft, so I rewrote the 300 Hour Yoga teacher training and gave it the title of SELF MASTERY. How hilarious that I asked the universe to support me in this and it gave me one of my most difficult years EVER! The unmitigated joy of teaching and filming this profound course and witnessing the explosive results with the students was only paralleled by the emotionally devastating consequences of two personal relationships blowing up, possibly beyond any repair directly related to the work from the course. Boundaries, integrity, compassion, perseverance, and more…all part of the soup. The wisdom is to realize what is is what is and to not fight against it. To let go and allow it to unfold, to not try and control the outcome. To be comfortable in the discomfort, just to let it be. Let the pointed jagged edges smooth out, do what you are able and let go of what you cannot change. Timeless teachings.
I am not denying or avoiding, I am accepting with grace. I see my father’s humanity. The two shattered relationships show me more ways of being human and the downfalls of spiritual teachers shows me their humanity. Authentic boundaries give me guard rails to live with and everything else is held in compassion.
We completed the course and the work we did, reminded me, renewed in me, restored in me a faith in all that IS, undefined. I KNOW that this work works. It works for everyone in their exact own way that their Spirit/Soul needs. There is NO doubt that to walk into it will heal, awaken, strengthen and deliver for you. At a pace that you can digest, integrate and manage for your unique personal needs, path and future. I encourage you, whether you are a teacher or just wondering what is holding you back, consider this course, consider a way HOME again and awaken your wisdom, joy, heart and Soul. Find your unique focus in this world of too many choices, too much distraction and too much negativity. Land softly here in Self Mastery and embrace all you are, we are here to hold you, welcome you and love you all the way through your Heroine’s Journey. And Hero’s are welcome too. Sign up NOW, What is Holding you Back?
I send you my love, you know I mean it,
Denise
What is this Self Mastery course? 300 Hour Advanced Yoga Training?
From a recent graduate, Clare E, South Carolina, 300 Hr. Advanced Self Mastery (photo shown above)
There truly are no words that can fully depict just how incredible my experience was going through Denise's 300 hour program, and what a gift it was to have her as teacher and mentor. I live across the country from Denise but after exploring countless in person and virtual 300 hour certification programs, it felt very clear that I needed to choose Denise and her beautiful program. I had already decided to enroll but after my first call with Denise, I felt even more certain, as I could instantly feel her sincerity, love, and wisdom. Well, that may have honestly been the best decision I have ever made! The program exceeded my hopes and expectations, which were already very high, and it was deeply transformative both personally and as a Yoga teacher. This was such a deep dive into Yoga, Meditation, Anatomy, Ayurvedia, and more. Although I was virtual, the incredible videos and mentoring sessions made it feel like I was a part of everything and learning right alongside even the in person participants. I am in awe of Denise's immense knowledge and beautiful embodiment of Yoga. I will continue to utilize all that I have learned in my own personal practice and journey, and in my teaching journey. I am eternally grateful and cannot reccomend this experience enough.