In 2008 a small group of devoted yoga students asked me to create a 200 hour yoga teacher training course. I took up this challenge and my inner perfectionism kicked in big time. There was no opportunity to procrastinate because I saw these dear students every week and I could not bear to put it off. Plus, I was stoked! I had just completed a 300 Hour Advanced Yoga training in Hatha yoga myself and was simultaneously completing another 300 hour advanced training in a different yoga lineage. Perhaps my naivety propelled me to believe I could do this, and yet, ideas like would it be good enough rose up. I had a person very close to me articulate this concept: “If I can’t do something perfectly, if I don’t know what is expected of me, if no matter what I do it feels like it won’t please the ones I seek to please, then why bother trying? Why bother starting? If I don’t try I cannot fail and if I put it off, is the frustration from the other less upsetting than trying and still not meeting their expectations?” I felt that and realized that we all do not share that feeling of “can do”. Sometimes our trauma and overwhelming emotions block that feeling.
Do you ever have these thoughts? What about feeling satisfied with yourself? All the talk of self love and being kind to ourselves can get lost and feel out of reach when at the most basic level, we are not living up to our own expectations for fear of failing or not meeting expectations. So, we put it off, delay, avoid and keep ourselves distracted and occupied with what does make us feel good, you know, that gives us that dopamine drip. Endless social media scrolling, Netflix binging, bed rotting, and what ever we can to avoid doing what we know we need to do. And this contributes to us feeling even worse, and the cycle continues.
When is enough, enough? What does it take to light that fire in our system to get it done? What is that intrinsic factor that excites versus terrifies us? Each of us has a unique flexion point, a different pain point as to when we will make the move, get it done, jump into it. Then how do we do it? Do we do it well? completely? Do we finish the task, tie up all the loose ends?
I began to organize and write the course, I gathered all the materials I could find to create a yoga training course that I knew I could feel good about. I worked with a dear friend who provided the Anatomy and Physiology component and I researched and wrote and wrote the remainder of the course. I gained momentum, breaking it down to one chapter at a time, selecting the most important asanas, critical research on the art and science of sequencing, how to language a class, in depth information on meditation pulled from several lineages, mantras, mudras and pranayama as well as philosophy, Ayurveda and a lot more. I focused on what had held heart and meaning for me in my trainings and what had been harmful. We started the course with the manual in process and I learned as we all went along. I am sure I learned as much from these initial students as they learned from me. It was powerful!
As time has marched on, the research has continued, including now incredible new research on neuroscience, trauma informed yoga, yoga therapy, compassionate sequencing and alignment and so much more. I love being in that beginners mind, and I keep learning, including another 800 hours of Yoga Therapy training in 2019. I have continuously noticed how I can set out an idealized version of the course and how I dial it to a realistic and healthy version, that is digestible and pertinent.
If we have set out some kind of idealized vision of how it “should” be when done, then right there we are setting ourselves up to possibly never start, procrastinate and convince ourselves that we cannot reach that pinnacle so what is the point of starting? The phrase uttered is often: “No matter what I do it is never good enough, so why bother?”
Because, without bothering to try, to put ourselves out there and simply do “what we are able to”, we will continue to ruminate in a bath of self animosity which we probably project out onto those we do love and care about, who we can easily blame for our own delays. What holds me in a kind and generous place with myself is growing a rooted sense of proportion in Self. In other words, being realistic, present, pragmatic and keeping a sense of play and joy.
I believe fully that we are doing our best at all times. Period. No one has the right to judge if my best is THE best, but it is my best. In each moment, things change: energy, attitude, feelings, emotions, sensations, interactions with others, a song you hear, weather, needs, stressors and the list is endless. With that serious and very real understanding, my BEST will be influenced and altered IF I CONTINUOUSLY COMPARE IT TO WHAT I THINK I SHOULD OR COULD DO. I came to realize that what I felt was a sense of accepting what I can do, in each moment…and that is my best…in that moment.
Feedback gives me an understanding of how my actions/work impacts others. During the last 16 years of teacher trainings, I have fortunately received some valuable and powerful feedback. It has helped me to be more aware, generous and most of all compassionate and competent. Each time I step into the Seat of the Teacher, I am aware of that role and the impact it has. I honor it humbly and feel such gratitude for this path, that has allowed me to let go of my perfectionism drive and given me self acceptance.
The worst we can do to ourselves is to use today’s wisdom to judge our acts and decisions from yesterday. Witnessing what the outcome was from yesterday, is where our wisdom comes from. Sometimes it takes a few yesterdays to learn the lesson, and that is okay. The wisdom comes when we realize that we have a choice in how we think, which results in how we act.
Stop and think, in the past, when have you not done the best you were able to, in that moment? Not comparing that to what you know now, how you would act now, just honestly, in that exact moment, can you say for sure you did all you could do with the resources, knowledge, understanding that you had…then?
The poison of perfection is believing that things are just not good enough, they should be better, different, etc. The poison seeps into our system because we can internalize it to be how we feel about ourselves, that we are what is not good enough, on any and all levels. Idealizing creates a blockage in our opportunity to act. Accepting reality, being with what is will give you a chance to make a choice, and then choose to allow yourself to do what you can in each moment, little steps, one at a time towards your desired outcome.
When we see the futility of perfectionism and how it halts our movement, often in the form of procrastination, we just might see how our desire for approval is tied up in that. If we are seeking the approval of others, which is basically a natural feeling to feel loved, this seeking can cause us to actually place the power of how we feel about ourselves in the hands of another. How would it feel to shift your thinking from attempting to gain the love and approval from the other to honoring your own actions with approval?
One step at a time is better than no steps at all and a key to changing your inner dialog, that will allow satisfaction to settle into your nervous system. Gaining the wisdom to be content with doing what you are able to is a lifetime journey, and you can start with little steps to leave the poison of perfectionism and procrastination behind. I believe the Path of Yoga can provide the actual steps and Yoga Teacher Training is about you learning about YOU. Whether you teach or not is irrelevant, this path gives you hands on tools for living fully in an ever shifting world.